Sunday, February 10, 2008

Ya Doesn't Have to Call Me Ray


Okay, this happened like three months ago but I couldn't let it pass. I just discovered that the American League's Tampa Bay Devil Rays have officially changed their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. (Charles? Liotta? Romano?)

And they didn't just drop the modifying "devil," so as to affiliate themselves less specifically with the broader range of plankton-sucking mantas gliding so effortlessly beneath the seas. No, the team now wants to be known as "rays" of sunshine. I'm not kidding. The team's owner said, "We are now the ‘Rays’—a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida." They've changed their logo, the team colors (navy and light blue, to represent the dark blue water and clear blue skies), and the team mascot. I don't know what the mascot is but I imagine Kirstie Alley in a Sponge Bob Halloween costume.

I just wish they had consulted Sports Nuts News first. I have some better suggestions:

1. The Tampa Bay Humidity
2. The Tampa Bay Melanoma
3. The Tampa Bay Sidewalk Omelets
4. The Tampa Bay Storm Surge
5. The Tampa Pons

Anyway, I haven't heard any beacons of shining news about increasing the team's payroll, which stands at about $24 million, roughly the amount A-Rod makes by Memorial Day. But perhaps this brilliant new look will infuse the spiffy new Rays with the ability to reach their first third-place divisional finish in team history.

In other breaking news, the Toronto Blue Jays have decided to drop the depressive connotations of "blue" and call themselves only The Jays. National anthems will only be sung by the O'Jays, Jay and the Americans, or Jay Z. New mascot? Its name is Leno.

Today's Sports Nuts design...



Thursday, February 7, 2008

Roger and Andy Go to Washington

So Roidger Clemens and his jilted lover Brian McNamee are taking the mound at Capitol Hill today to tell their vastly different stories to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform and a couple dozen other elected representatives and government lawyers. (Hey, it's not like the government has anything better to do; like fight a war in Iraq, stop a steamrolling recession, or figure out how to get the glaciers to stop melting.)

According to AP, Clemens is scheduled to meet with more than a dozen congressmen and senators in advance of next week's public hearing, at which he, McNamee, and Andy Petite are schedule to testify. And McNamee brought some swag with him: gauze pads and syringes that he says he used to inject Rocket's rear with steroids and HGH. Exactly what kind of person keeps blood-stained gauze pads under his pillow for six years? "You will let me know when those lambs stop screaming, won't you Clarice?"

Since none of Clemens' denials have yet to be made under oath, he still has time to change his story. And since pal Andy will also be testifying under oath, Sports Nuts News is giving 3-1 odds that Roger takes the fifth—amendment, not inning.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Perfect Shmerfect... Fermo de tutti Fermi



You wanna talk NFL catches? Okay, let's talk NFL catches. Forget Dwight Clark's "The Catch" in the '81 NFC championship. Forget Lynn Swann in SB X. Forget even the Giants/Niners replacement game during the '87 strike (where "Giants" wide receiver Lewis Bennett reached behind the defender, tipped the ball over him, and grabbed it for a touchdown).

Forget them all. There has never been a catch to equal David Tyree's last night in SB 42. That catch was the Ringling Bros. center ring of circus catches. A blindfolded guy on a high wire juggling Volkswagons.

Recap for the six Tibetan monks who were meditating on a Himalayan mountaintop when their cable when out...

A minute and small change left, Giants on New England's 44, third and five. Nanoseconds from being sacked, Eli Manning—his jersey still stretched by the beefy clutches of the Patriot defense—somehow squirts through the sausage grinder and chucks a benediction down field. Well-covered and airborne... actually INVERTED and airborne... Tyree leaps and grabs Manning's 32-yarder by PINNING THE BALL TO HIS HELMET. He literally holds it against his blue-clad skull while falling backwards and then landing on top of defender Rodney Harrison. There isn't a single person who saw it—Giants fan, Patriots fan, or the people just watching for the commercials—who expected that ball to stay in Tyree's hands, or should I say, on his head. It HAD to be an incompletion. It HAD to pop out of his hands. It HAD to be fourth down and a long-shot field goal attempt. There's no way he could... But he did. Three plays later Manning lofts a gimme into the corner and the GEEEEEEEE-MEN go up 17-14, thanks to a schoolyard head fake by Plaxico Burress on a routine out route.

Suddenly, it's Rocky IV and the invincible Drago is cut. Tony Burton is screaming at Rocky, "You see? You see? He's NOT a machine, he's a man, he's a man!" All game long the Big Blue Wrecking Crew treated Tom Brady like he was an over-stuffed six-foot-four pinata, squashing the heart of the greatest offense of all time. And yet, it still looked like the Giants offense wouldn't be able to get it done. Until the catch that kept the drive alive, and ended the Patriots' dream season in the most nerve-shredding, nail-chomping, cardiac-arresting Super Bowl ever.

As predicted by Sports Nuts News on Jan. 24, the Giants stun the world.
And best of all, Tiki the Traitor can sit on the couch during the Today Show in his Armani suit, discussing the 2008 Vera Wang bridal collection with Anne Curry, but there won't be any Super Bowl ring on his treacherous finger. Those are reserved for the guys who sucked it up, stuck it out, kept their mouths shut, and played like champions.

Today's congratulatory Sports Nuts design...



Saturday, February 2, 2008

Yahoo Johan!

My Mets have done it... signed the greatest pitcher of the new century without giving up any key players or even their best farm prospect. Yeah, it's a $137.5 million, six-year contract, the biggest in baseball history for a pitcher, but who cares? The Mets have the cash and it could not be a more worthwhile purchase; Santana is in his pure prime, is healthy (passed his physical today), and knows how to handle big-city pressure. He's also not going to have to face the DHs of the American League, which has to boost his numbers and his shot at a third Cy Young. Thanks Tommy Glavine, for high-tailing your ancient traitorous butt back to Dixie where it belongs. Finally the Mets have a true ace they can build around. After last year's traumatic collapse, we needed this.

Prediction: 2008 Santana gets the Mets' their first no hitter.

In celebration of the coming baseball season, today's Sports Nuts design...