So Sue Me

Okay, so I took off for 10 months. Like you missed me. Did you write? Did you call? Did you send paramedics to my house? Nu-unh.

Well I'm back and maybe this time I'll stick around for a little longer. Maybe I won't. Whattaya' gonna do?

Right now, I'm so cheesed off at Bernard Madoff I'm thinking of crashing the NYC jail he's in and beating him to death with his roommate (who, I pray, is a drooling, 400-pound, psychotic ex-Arayn Nation lieutenant named Belly, who has filed down his incisors and shaved Himmler's likeness into his back hair.)

Why the anger, Steve? Well mostly because of all the lives he ruined, but especially because one of his victims is none other than the Wilpon family, owner of my beloved Mets, who had to pass on Manny Ramirez's $45 million contract and settle for newbie farm boy Daniel Murphy to play left field. Murphy shows promise but Manny would have been an almost guaranteed pennant.

They should have Bernie Madoff bobble-head day at Citifield, and give prizes to the fans who most creatively find ways to detach the head from the body. I suggest dragging him from the back of the vehicle that drives around the field making all those nice designs in the grass. The doll, I mean. Not Bernie, of course. No. Not Bernie.

Hey, Hey, LBJ! (How many teammates did you carry today?)

Sports Nuts News is back after a break:

• A Little Help? Why is the blogosphere down on LeBron for his performance in the Celtics series? Game Seven was one of the best playoff games I've seen in years, and I still think LeBron outmanned Pierce. LBJ scores 45—with the next highest scorer at 15 and no one else on the team even at double digits—and it's LeBron's fault the Cavs are eliminated? There's no question LeBron James is among the elite's elite. Time for Cleveland to actually build a team around him.

• Just Plain Stankee: As much as I hate the Yankees (think Herman Goering at a seder) and as much as I reveled in watching the Mets spank them twice during the season's first Subway Series this weekend (picture a puppy rolling around on the floor with a giant steak bone in his mouth), against the Yankees' two best starters no less, I'm not going to make fun of Jason Giambi's golden thong. It's just too easy. Nor will I mention that the highest paid team in baseball is rock solid in last place. It's too early yet. Nope. Not gonna do it.

THIS JUST IN.... STEINBRENNER ORDERS PLATINUM NIPPLE RINGS FOR ENTIRE TEAM!!!!!! (Sorry. I had to.)

• Go to the Tape: I've resisted the idea of bringing the instant replay to baseball, primarily because adding more time to a game that has no clock is like forcing people in line at the DMV to listen to Michael Bolton while they wait. (Think, guys, think! How can we make an already interminable process even more excruciating? I know! Let's watch the same play another 62 times!) However, watching Carlos Delgado get robbed of a clear home run in the aforementioned Subway Series was tough to take. Although it didn't affect the outcome, had this been a playoff or World Series game, it would have been uncomfortable for all baseball fans to live with.

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One is the Onliest Number

I don't want to hear about how great you did on your brackets, k? How hard was it on March 20 to write UCLA, UNC, Kansas, and Memphis in the Final Four brackets? March Madness is about underdogs—just a wide-eyed bunch of Hickory Husker wannabes with a broken down bus and dreams of Nike endorsements.

Now, with Davidson gone it's like watching Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Captain America fight over the last Heineken in the frig. Granted, an interesting fight (Superman in a cake walk, btw), but far more interesting if Howard the Duck shows up to kick some super brat ass.

Screw it. I'm writing in Coppin State.

Mixed Nuts:

• This just in about the Not-er-Bockers... Donnie Walsh Named New President of Knicks Operations! aweirw fiw[q[ [pfw 2093019 ... Sorry for that outburst, it's not easy to type while doing cartwheels. First order of business with the team on the verge of losing a franchise record 60 games? Thank Isiah for his service as coach and set him up with a lucrative falafel vendorship outside the Garden.

• Three and one third. That's how many innings it took Pedro "Help, I've Fallen" Martinez to injure himself yet again and cast a pall over the Mets' season. I love Pedro but I think the organization has to give some serious thought to maintaining a starter who can't tie his cleats without splintering a femur. Sorry Pedro. But I hear Isiah is hiring falafel makers!


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Circus City

I just want to say in this public forum that, should the unthinkable happen and the Mets actually sign Barry Bonds, I plead "not guilty by reason of insanity" in advance of the 12-state shooting spree I'm likely to conduct as a result. (Don't worry, it will just be a Red Ryder BB gun and the only damage I'm likely to do is to put my eye out.) I'm sorry, but a statement has to be made.

With left-fielder Moises Alou, the Human Ace Bandage, injured yet again to start the season, rumors continue to fly that the Mets might still replace him with the the Juice Master 762, which seems about as logical a move as bringing Dustin Diamond back for another season of Celebrity Fit Club. Not for the reasons you might think. Yes, he's a cheater. Yes, he's in big legal trouble. Yes, he ranks between bin Laden and Hitler for Most Reviled Character in History. And those are all valid reasons.

But my main reason for banning Bonds from Shea is that, regardless of how the season ends, Bonds will be given credit for it.

If the Mets sign Bonds and get a ring because he produces, it will be all because of Bonds. I don't care if Santana wins the Cy Young again, if Wright hits .310/35/120, and Reyes steals 90. The headlines will say, "Bonds Brings Mets First Title in 22 Years!"

If they sign him and don't get a ring, it will be all because of Bonds. From BP to the showers, the New York media will scrutinize with electron-microscope precision every conceivable negative influence he's inflicting on the Mets to bring them down.

To paraphrase Joe Pesci in "Raging Bull": "If you win, you lose. If you lose, you still lose." Bringing Bonds to New York is a lose-lose situation.

Mixed Nuts:

• I'm signing off now to watch Siena play Villanova. What a stunner watching the 13-seed Saints take down 4-seed Vandy; my favorite from Upset City this week. I confess to falling asleep in the first quarter of Nova vs. Clemson (after the Wildcats fell by 10 in like the first eight seconds). This one, I'm staying up for. (Good thing the game is at noon.)

That Ebbets Field Feeling

It was tough to see images and read about the last game to be played at Dodgertown in Vero Beach on Monday. During my 14 years as a South Florida resident, I'd seen my Mets play in St. Lucie, and the Yankees in Ft. Lauderdale, far more times than I'd seen the Dodgers in Vero. Yet (although I've since moved up north and haven't seen Tradition Field, the renovated Mets facility that opened in 2004) I always thought Dodgertown was much nicer than the other Grapefruit League facilities I'd been to. Dodgertown had the "home park," "fan friendly" feel that most training parks lack. It wasn't just a temporary facility where the pros could keep warm until it was time to head north; it really felt like a place that loved its Dodgers, who had been there since 1948.

Now that the Dodgers are moving to more proximate digs in Glendale, Arizona, the longtime Florida residents who recall the days of Jackie, the Duke, and Pee Wee must have that same Ebbets Field feeling they had when their beloved Bums packed their bags and headed west in 1958. The last vestige of the East Coast Dodgers is gone. You can almost feel the long-since rusted pins being thrust into Walter O'Malley dolls for the first time since 1957.


Mixed Nuts:

• Trying to decide which is worse: watching the Mets fold like an origami accordion last September, or watching the Houston Rockets win 22 consecutive games while my Knicks have yet to win 20 all season.

• Really Extreme Makeover: Speaking of folding, after the reigning NCAA champion Florida Gators went 3-8 in their last 11 games, and missed the party for the first time in ten years, coach Billy Donovan got a little mad. He not only barred the players from entering UF's $12 million practice facility, he also banned them from wearing any Florida attire.

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Yahoo Johan!

My Mets have done it... signed the greatest pitcher of the new century without giving up any key players or even their best farm prospect. Yeah, it's a $137.5 million, six-year contract, the biggest in baseball history for a pitcher, but who cares? The Mets have the cash and it could not be a more worthwhile purchase; Santana is in his pure prime, is healthy (passed his physical today), and knows how to handle big-city pressure. He's also not going to have to face the DHs of the American League, which has to boost his numbers and his shot at a third Cy Young. Thanks Tommy Glavine, for high-tailing your ancient traitorous butt back to Dixie where it belongs. Finally the Mets have a true ace they can build around. After last year's traumatic collapse, we needed this.

Prediction: 2008 Santana gets the Mets' their first no hitter.

In celebration of the coming baseball season, today's Sports Nuts design...