Curses

Other than the passionate man-love for Brett Farve that John Madden has expressed openly all these years, is there any conceivable reason EA Sports would put Farve on the cover of their Madden NFL '09, other than to break "the curse"?

If you're unfamiliar with the curse, you can read about it here. Essentially, the legend goes that virtually every athlete who has ever appeared on the video game's cover has been injured, wounded, dismembered, or otherwise mangled in the following season. In the rare case that they weren't incapacitated by injury, the player's subsequent season was marked by spectacular mediocrity. The curse has claimed greats and potential greats such as Eddie George, Dante Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander, and Vince Young.

So, to the relief of fans of the Colts, Chargers, Patriots, Giants, Eagles, Saints, and Cowboys—all which had legitimate stars who might have been considered for the cover—the newly released Madden '09 will be graced by Saint Brett, who conveniently will not even be playing next year. The announcement of the cover was made on the same day that the Packers announced that Farve had been officially placed on the reserve-retired list.

Careful Brett. Keep an eye out for low-flying planes. Stay off ladders. And don't let Madden roll over on you in bed.

Mixed Nuts:

• Open Letter to Sam Vincent: Word's out that you've been fired as head coach of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats after just one 32-50 season. Sorry, Sam, we really are. But if you're thinking about the Knicks, we feel we should let you know that New York is full. Seriously. No parking available. Lots of crime and smog and terrorism and stuff. The media will kill ya. Egg creams are overrated. So is Broadway. You want to pay $150 a pop for nosebleed seats to a show about the Wicked Witch of the West? And just TRY to get a cab in midtown on weekdays. Really. Ever price condos in the Village or the Upper West Side? Fuggedaboudit. And the roaches! Good GOD the roaches!! Seriously. Stay away. Thanks. Chicago! Now THAT'S a city!

Sincerely,
Knicks fans concerned for your well-being

• Never thought I'd be saying this but, it's time for the Giants to pull the trigger on the Shockey deal. I've always admired his enthusiasm and heart, but the Blue offense isn't geared to Shockey's desperate need to have the ball; he is injury prone; and he doesn't want to be in New York. Kevin Boss impressed in the post-season after Shockey broke his leg in December. Shockey's always been one of my favorite players, even with all the showboating; but a second round pick is fair and will probably benefit the Saints as much as the Giants. Let's just pull the Band-Aid off quickly.

• Gotta go. It's getting drafty in here.

I Don't Like to Brag

Time once again to remind our readers how great Sports Nuts News is...

• predicted the Giants Super Bowl victory
• two weeks after SNN posted the headline "Who's the Manning?" Sports Illustrated answered with a cover headline, "Eli's the Manning" (Okay, maybe not the cleverest of headers but if the world's leading sports publication can use it, it's nice to think that they stole it from us.)
• predicted the Rangers to win in five in the NHL playoffs first round
• missed the predicted date of Bye-siah Thomas' firing by only 24 hours

Not bad for three months' work.

Mixed Nuts:

• Winner of this month's Golden Duh Award: ESPN's Stephen A. Smith, who said, "If you think the firing of Isiah Thomas will solve all the Knicks' problems, think again." Gee, you mean a new coach won't get us into the 2009 finals despite five years of bad contracts, bad management, bad coaching, bad karma, and bad blood? Thanks, Carnac.

• Nice to see Danica win her first—a true landmark for women in racing—but I've yet to see a news outlet fail to note that the reason for her victory was her pit crew's judicious fuel strategy. She may have had something to do with it, too, guys.

• Note to Maaaaaarrrrrtttttyyyy Brodeur: Good luck getting Steve Avery out of your head this summer. Might as well invite him over to dinner every night. He's going to be there anyway.

• NBA playoff predictions:
- West/Round 1: Lakers, Spurs, Hornets, Jazz
- East/Round 1: Celts, Cavs, Magic, Pistons

Bye-siah

Apologies if Sports Nuts News is spending inordinate amounts of time praying for the unemployment of Isiah Thomas. I've been trying to put the season behind me but then, this quote Wednesday from new Knicks president Donnie Walsh:

"Yeah, I would say that we're going to go through the season because there's only four games left, and I'm going to use this period to try to take a look at the whole situation so I'm in a position to make whatever decision is going to be made — if there are any."

IF there are any?

The only decision for Knicks fans is whether to fire Isiah Thomas at the final buzzer of the season-ending game in Indiana on Wednesday or whether to wait until the press conference Thursday morning. Of course Walsh, being a knowledgeable executive and a decent person, will probably give Isiah time to contemplate the season and to explain where things went wrong. And Isiah, being a conceited and self-absorbed ostrich will likely have a number of excuses, like Starbury's inexcusable behavior, that pesky little multi-million-dollar sexual harassment suit, or how hard it is to coach in New York. Walsh can save himself some time and just read this New York magazine article, appropriately titled, "Absolutely, Positively the Worst Team in the History of Professional Sports."

To make matters worse, with a three-game winning streak in recent days the Knicks have evaded the possibility of losing a franchise-record 60 games, which is Coach Thomas's crowning achievement this season, but, with each win, they take themselves further from the top draft position in the lottery. So if we win, we lose, and if we lose.... wait. I did that bit on March 23.

Mixed Nuts:

• If Tiger wins at Augusta this weekend I suggest he just toss his hat in the ring to become the first professional golfer to win the Democratic nomination for president. What else is left? Really.

• Prediction: That New Jersey Devils machine is done, stuck in the mud, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. Rangers in five.

• Gotta love the first couple of weeks of baseball season. At this writing, the Florida Marlins, the Baltimore Orioles, and the Kansas City Royals are all in first place. There's three teams wishing the season could end on April 30.

One is the Onliest Number

I don't want to hear about how great you did on your brackets, k? How hard was it on March 20 to write UCLA, UNC, Kansas, and Memphis in the Final Four brackets? March Madness is about underdogs—just a wide-eyed bunch of Hickory Husker wannabes with a broken down bus and dreams of Nike endorsements.

Now, with Davidson gone it's like watching Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Captain America fight over the last Heineken in the frig. Granted, an interesting fight (Superman in a cake walk, btw), but far more interesting if Howard the Duck shows up to kick some super brat ass.

Screw it. I'm writing in Coppin State.

Mixed Nuts:

• This just in about the Not-er-Bockers... Donnie Walsh Named New President of Knicks Operations! aweirw fiw[q[ [pfw 2093019 ... Sorry for that outburst, it's not easy to type while doing cartwheels. First order of business with the team on the verge of losing a franchise record 60 games? Thank Isiah for his service as coach and set him up with a lucrative falafel vendorship outside the Garden.

• Three and one third. That's how many innings it took Pedro "Help, I've Fallen" Martinez to injure himself yet again and cast a pall over the Mets' season. I love Pedro but I think the organization has to give some serious thought to maintaining a starter who can't tie his cleats without splintering a femur. Sorry Pedro. But I hear Isiah is hiring falafel makers!


A new Sports Nuts design...

Knick Nots

1. Michael Jordan
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Allen Iverson
4. Lebron James
5. Shaquille O'Neal
6. Tracy McGrady
7. Dwyane Wade
8. Jason Kidd
9. Vince Carter
10. Tim Duncan

Those are the top 10 best-selling NBA jerseys sold at the NBA store on Fifth Ave. in NYC over the past decade. That's Fifth Ave. ... in NEW YORK CITY.

And yet, there isn't a single player on the list who has played a minute for the New York Knicks. Not Starbury, not Allan Houston, not even Ewing. Granted, Patrick's last season was 99-00, just a year after the store opened, but he is still a Knick legend. You would think that the man who took the the team from Lottery Land to the NBA Finals—and who is the first to have his jersey hang in the MSG rafters since the 1970 championship starters—would be able to move some sportswear on Fifth Avenue, at least in the late '90s and early '00s.

That's not a commentary on Patrick Ewing, it's a commentary (and a damn sad one) on how far this team has fallen; that and the fact that they needed overtime to beat the Miami Heat this week. OVERTIME! The Heat, which at 13-59 has since been renamed the Miami You Know, It's Actually Kind of Chilly in Here. Like watching two drunks trying to pass each other on a building ledge.

Mixed Nuts: As of this writing, the only team in the Elite Eight with a double-digit seed is Davidson. In the West it's 1 vs. 3 (UCLA/Xavier); in the South 1 vs. 2 (Memphis/Texas); and 1 vs. 3 (UNC/Louisville) in the East. I'm always happy to see the brand names duking it out but bracket madness is nothing without one long-shot (nine points according to Vegas) shocking the world. Go Wildcats.

Today's Sports Nuts design...

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Where is Donald Trump when you need him?

"I believe one day we will win a championship here, and I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that, and I believe I will be a part of that."

No, those aren't the words of new Dodgers manager Joe Torre or Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak, who guided his team to a respectable .500 record this year for the first time in team history.

No. Those are the words of... excuse me, I can't believe I'm typing this... those are the words of ISIAH THOMAS! The head coach of the NBA's New York Nots—who have lost their last five games, and 11 of their last 13, and 22 of the 30 they've played this season—actually believes he can lead this "team" to an NBA title. Apparently, he hasn't heard the chorus of fans filling the Garden with the not-so-dulcet strains of "Fire Isiah Now!" Apparently he hasn't noticed that ESPN has named him the top choice for the coach most likely to be fired... and soon. Apparently he hasn't noticed Nike's newly released Isiah Thomas model: Air Head.

So let's add Sports Nuts News to the cacophonous din of fans asking, imploring, pleading Isiah to please, PLEASE, consider the many benefits of owning your own Amway distributorship.

Enjoy today's Sports Nuts design, available at www.cafepress.com/sportsnuts.