Hey, Hey, LBJ! (How many teammates did you carry today?)

Sports Nuts News is back after a break:

• A Little Help? Why is the blogosphere down on LeBron for his performance in the Celtics series? Game Seven was one of the best playoff games I've seen in years, and I still think LeBron outmanned Pierce. LBJ scores 45—with the next highest scorer at 15 and no one else on the team even at double digits—and it's LeBron's fault the Cavs are eliminated? There's no question LeBron James is among the elite's elite. Time for Cleveland to actually build a team around him.

• Just Plain Stankee: As much as I hate the Yankees (think Herman Goering at a seder) and as much as I reveled in watching the Mets spank them twice during the season's first Subway Series this weekend (picture a puppy rolling around on the floor with a giant steak bone in his mouth), against the Yankees' two best starters no less, I'm not going to make fun of Jason Giambi's golden thong. It's just too easy. Nor will I mention that the highest paid team in baseball is rock solid in last place. It's too early yet. Nope. Not gonna do it.

THIS JUST IN.... STEINBRENNER ORDERS PLATINUM NIPPLE RINGS FOR ENTIRE TEAM!!!!!! (Sorry. I had to.)

• Go to the Tape: I've resisted the idea of bringing the instant replay to baseball, primarily because adding more time to a game that has no clock is like forcing people in line at the DMV to listen to Michael Bolton while they wait. (Think, guys, think! How can we make an already interminable process even more excruciating? I know! Let's watch the same play another 62 times!) However, watching Carlos Delgado get robbed of a clear home run in the aforementioned Subway Series was tough to take. Although it didn't affect the outcome, had this been a playoff or World Series game, it would have been uncomfortable for all baseball fans to live with.

The latest Sports Nuts design...

Curses

Other than the passionate man-love for Brett Farve that John Madden has expressed openly all these years, is there any conceivable reason EA Sports would put Farve on the cover of their Madden NFL '09, other than to break "the curse"?

If you're unfamiliar with the curse, you can read about it here. Essentially, the legend goes that virtually every athlete who has ever appeared on the video game's cover has been injured, wounded, dismembered, or otherwise mangled in the following season. In the rare case that they weren't incapacitated by injury, the player's subsequent season was marked by spectacular mediocrity. The curse has claimed greats and potential greats such as Eddie George, Dante Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander, and Vince Young.

So, to the relief of fans of the Colts, Chargers, Patriots, Giants, Eagles, Saints, and Cowboys—all which had legitimate stars who might have been considered for the cover—the newly released Madden '09 will be graced by Saint Brett, who conveniently will not even be playing next year. The announcement of the cover was made on the same day that the Packers announced that Farve had been officially placed on the reserve-retired list.

Careful Brett. Keep an eye out for low-flying planes. Stay off ladders. And don't let Madden roll over on you in bed.

Mixed Nuts:

• Open Letter to Sam Vincent: Word's out that you've been fired as head coach of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats after just one 32-50 season. Sorry, Sam, we really are. But if you're thinking about the Knicks, we feel we should let you know that New York is full. Seriously. No parking available. Lots of crime and smog and terrorism and stuff. The media will kill ya. Egg creams are overrated. So is Broadway. You want to pay $150 a pop for nosebleed seats to a show about the Wicked Witch of the West? And just TRY to get a cab in midtown on weekdays. Really. Ever price condos in the Village or the Upper West Side? Fuggedaboudit. And the roaches! Good GOD the roaches!! Seriously. Stay away. Thanks. Chicago! Now THAT'S a city!

Sincerely,
Knicks fans concerned for your well-being

• Never thought I'd be saying this but, it's time for the Giants to pull the trigger on the Shockey deal. I've always admired his enthusiasm and heart, but the Blue offense isn't geared to Shockey's desperate need to have the ball; he is injury prone; and he doesn't want to be in New York. Kevin Boss impressed in the post-season after Shockey broke his leg in December. Shockey's always been one of my favorite players, even with all the showboating; but a second round pick is fair and will probably benefit the Saints as much as the Giants. Let's just pull the Band-Aid off quickly.

• Gotta go. It's getting drafty in here.

Are You Smarter than a Linebacker?

Back in February college's best football players met for Festivus... I mean The Combine, where the players performed feats of strength while freely salivating GMs, coaches, and scouts poked and probed their prospects like they were chunky Angus steers. With the NFL draft looming this weekend, the media is abuzz with numbers from those workouts, leading to orgies of digit-laden sentences like, "this 6-2, 230 pounder, who runs a 4.3 40 and a 6.74 three-cone, should go in the top 10 of Round 2."

What many people don't know is that, in addition to proving their physical prowess on the field, the NFL hopefuls also have to undergo intelligence testing. Known as the Wonderlic Test—50 multiple-choice questions that must be completed in 12 minutes—the exam determines how adept the athletes are at complex problem solving. (Apparently the NFL considers getting accepted to, and graduating from, an accredited American university an insufficient gauge of brainpower. They are not alone.)

Although the scores can be useful in judging the ability of players to read complex offenses and defenses, for the most part only the quarterback's numbers are considered important, given the crucial need for someone who can think clearly while trying to evade a 900-pound tsunami of frenzied defensive linemen.

Some impressive scores in recent years: Eli Manning (39), Tony Romo (37) and Tom Brady (33). Some underwhelming scores: Dan Marino (15), Terry Bradshaw (15), and Donovan McNabb (14), which is just a notch above photosynthesis on the scale of cerebral dexterity.

Sports Nuts News recently obtained a sample of the test and was surprised to find some real mind-bogglers:

• True or False: Lasagna is a a kind of dog.

• Your Ferrari has 450 horsepower and gets 11 mpg; your Hummer H2 has 325 horsepower and gets 13 mpg; and your Mercedes-Benz SUV has 290 horsepower and gets 16 mpg. What is your ZIP code?

• Which of the following is NOT a day of the week?
() Monday
() Friday
() Saturday
() Popcorn

Okay, so an NFL huddle will never be confused with a Harvard symposium on particle physics. But at least we have an idea of which players will be running onto the field with their helmets on backwards.


Mixed Nuts:

•Holy crap. Jared Allen going to the Vikings makes that Nordic defense look frightening. Allen's 15.5 sacks in a suspension-shortened (two games) season might be worth what Minnesota had to give up to get him. Hope there's a DUI clause in that record contract. Can't wait to see what the Chiefs do with all those bingo cards Saturday.

• Open Memo to the Cincinnati Bengals: Please forward me your mailing address so I can send you three dozen long-stems for refusing to deal Chad Johnson to, not one, not two, but THREE NFC East teams. Big Blue loves you.

• Dead Last: ESPN commissioned a nationwide survey of fans to identify which NFL, NBA, NHL, and NBA teams are the most beloved by the sports nuts who fork over their hard-earned time and money to support them. Bringing up the basement, as usual: The New York Knicks.

A new Sports Nuts design...

I Don't Like to Brag

Time once again to remind our readers how great Sports Nuts News is...

• predicted the Giants Super Bowl victory
• two weeks after SNN posted the headline "Who's the Manning?" Sports Illustrated answered with a cover headline, "Eli's the Manning" (Okay, maybe not the cleverest of headers but if the world's leading sports publication can use it, it's nice to think that they stole it from us.)
• predicted the Rangers to win in five in the NHL playoffs first round
• missed the predicted date of Bye-siah Thomas' firing by only 24 hours

Not bad for three months' work.

Mixed Nuts:

• Winner of this month's Golden Duh Award: ESPN's Stephen A. Smith, who said, "If you think the firing of Isiah Thomas will solve all the Knicks' problems, think again." Gee, you mean a new coach won't get us into the 2009 finals despite five years of bad contracts, bad management, bad coaching, bad karma, and bad blood? Thanks, Carnac.

• Nice to see Danica win her first—a true landmark for women in racing—but I've yet to see a news outlet fail to note that the reason for her victory was her pit crew's judicious fuel strategy. She may have had something to do with it, too, guys.

• Note to Maaaaaarrrrrtttttyyyy Brodeur: Good luck getting Steve Avery out of your head this summer. Might as well invite him over to dinner every night. He's going to be there anyway.

• NBA playoff predictions:
- West/Round 1: Lakers, Spurs, Hornets, Jazz
- East/Round 1: Celts, Cavs, Magic, Pistons

Mold School

Here is how "Leatherheads" could have been so much better:

You take George Clooney prior to the start of shooting and you have him watch the original "Longest Yard" and then "Semi-Tough." Just when he has a sense of what a decent sports dramedy can be, you strap him to the chair and force him to sit through "Cannonball Run II" and "Stroker Ace." When he's done screeching like a Girl Scout on a roller coaster you remind him that, much like Burt Reynolds' hairline, the stock character of the zany, hornswoggling playboy with the platinum-plated smile is where 40-something acting careers go to pine for the fjords.

"Leatherheads" is a benign mass of cinematic symptoms in search of a genre diagnosis. Unsure whether it wants to be a slapstick farce, a rom-com, or a sports movie, it attempts all of them and achieves none of them. And even though Clooney (who also directs) spritzes charisma all over the screen, he cannot concoct an appetizing mélange from this clumsily scripted trope factory of speakeasy fracases, Keystone Cop chases, and contrived nostalgia.

Synopsis (no spoiler warning needed): While thousands of cheering fans flock to see collegiate gridiron competitions each week, pro football in the mid-1920s remains a smash-mouth exposition of trick plays, unsportsmanlike conduct, and shattered collarbones. The games are played on cow pastures sided by rickety bleachers thinly populated with drunks, gamblers, and copulating teenagers. The teams—so cash poor they can afford only a single pigskin—are dropping like unprotected quarterbacks. Aging star Dodge Connelly (Clooney), captain of the Duluth Bulldogs, sets out to save his flagging franchise by recruiting WWI hero and college phenom Carter Rutherford (John Krasinski, in a performance every bit as dozy as his desk jockey Jim Halpert on TV's "The Office"). Enter the alarmingly alliterative Lexie Littleton, a cheeky, sass-slinging newspaper reporter played with consumate predictability by Renee Zellweger. Lexie sets out to expose Carter's dark secret, and the chicanery takes off like a fat kid on a Slip 'N Slide.

Studio marketing campaigns to the contrary, the one thing that Leatherheads IS NOT about is football. Shame. This film might have done for prehistoric pro football what "Slap Shot" did for minor league hockey, but the sports scenes in Leatherheads are just a backdrop for the wit-free comedic antics of its stars. Chess, thoroughbred racing, or badminton could have been substituted and it would have been equally as impotent. The movie spends more time noticing Lexie's choice of hats than the details of Jazz Age football, and along the way wastes the talents of some stellar character actors like Jonathan Pryce and Stephen Root.

Ultimately, "Leatherheads" pilfers all the best premises and characterizations of the sports classics from which it derives its theme, and then renders them as useless as a professional wrestling referee—lends authenticity but no one is really paying attention anyway.

Here's some serious old school from Sports Nuts...

Bye-siah

Apologies if Sports Nuts News is spending inordinate amounts of time praying for the unemployment of Isiah Thomas. I've been trying to put the season behind me but then, this quote Wednesday from new Knicks president Donnie Walsh:

"Yeah, I would say that we're going to go through the season because there's only four games left, and I'm going to use this period to try to take a look at the whole situation so I'm in a position to make whatever decision is going to be made — if there are any."

IF there are any?

The only decision for Knicks fans is whether to fire Isiah Thomas at the final buzzer of the season-ending game in Indiana on Wednesday or whether to wait until the press conference Thursday morning. Of course Walsh, being a knowledgeable executive and a decent person, will probably give Isiah time to contemplate the season and to explain where things went wrong. And Isiah, being a conceited and self-absorbed ostrich will likely have a number of excuses, like Starbury's inexcusable behavior, that pesky little multi-million-dollar sexual harassment suit, or how hard it is to coach in New York. Walsh can save himself some time and just read this New York magazine article, appropriately titled, "Absolutely, Positively the Worst Team in the History of Professional Sports."

To make matters worse, with a three-game winning streak in recent days the Knicks have evaded the possibility of losing a franchise-record 60 games, which is Coach Thomas's crowning achievement this season, but, with each win, they take themselves further from the top draft position in the lottery. So if we win, we lose, and if we lose.... wait. I did that bit on March 23.

Mixed Nuts:

• If Tiger wins at Augusta this weekend I suggest he just toss his hat in the ring to become the first professional golfer to win the Democratic nomination for president. What else is left? Really.

• Prediction: That New Jersey Devils machine is done, stuck in the mud, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. Rangers in five.

• Gotta love the first couple of weeks of baseball season. At this writing, the Florida Marlins, the Baltimore Orioles, and the Kansas City Royals are all in first place. There's three teams wishing the season could end on April 30.

One is the Onliest Number

I don't want to hear about how great you did on your brackets, k? How hard was it on March 20 to write UCLA, UNC, Kansas, and Memphis in the Final Four brackets? March Madness is about underdogs—just a wide-eyed bunch of Hickory Husker wannabes with a broken down bus and dreams of Nike endorsements.

Now, with Davidson gone it's like watching Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Captain America fight over the last Heineken in the frig. Granted, an interesting fight (Superman in a cake walk, btw), but far more interesting if Howard the Duck shows up to kick some super brat ass.

Screw it. I'm writing in Coppin State.

Mixed Nuts:

• This just in about the Not-er-Bockers... Donnie Walsh Named New President of Knicks Operations! aweirw fiw[q[ [pfw 2093019 ... Sorry for that outburst, it's not easy to type while doing cartwheels. First order of business with the team on the verge of losing a franchise record 60 games? Thank Isiah for his service as coach and set him up with a lucrative falafel vendorship outside the Garden.

• Three and one third. That's how many innings it took Pedro "Help, I've Fallen" Martinez to injure himself yet again and cast a pall over the Mets' season. I love Pedro but I think the organization has to give some serious thought to maintaining a starter who can't tie his cleats without splintering a femur. Sorry Pedro. But I hear Isiah is hiring falafel makers!


A new Sports Nuts design...

Knick Nots

1. Michael Jordan
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Allen Iverson
4. Lebron James
5. Shaquille O'Neal
6. Tracy McGrady
7. Dwyane Wade
8. Jason Kidd
9. Vince Carter
10. Tim Duncan

Those are the top 10 best-selling NBA jerseys sold at the NBA store on Fifth Ave. in NYC over the past decade. That's Fifth Ave. ... in NEW YORK CITY.

And yet, there isn't a single player on the list who has played a minute for the New York Knicks. Not Starbury, not Allan Houston, not even Ewing. Granted, Patrick's last season was 99-00, just a year after the store opened, but he is still a Knick legend. You would think that the man who took the the team from Lottery Land to the NBA Finals—and who is the first to have his jersey hang in the MSG rafters since the 1970 championship starters—would be able to move some sportswear on Fifth Avenue, at least in the late '90s and early '00s.

That's not a commentary on Patrick Ewing, it's a commentary (and a damn sad one) on how far this team has fallen; that and the fact that they needed overtime to beat the Miami Heat this week. OVERTIME! The Heat, which at 13-59 has since been renamed the Miami You Know, It's Actually Kind of Chilly in Here. Like watching two drunks trying to pass each other on a building ledge.

Mixed Nuts: As of this writing, the only team in the Elite Eight with a double-digit seed is Davidson. In the West it's 1 vs. 3 (UCLA/Xavier); in the South 1 vs. 2 (Memphis/Texas); and 1 vs. 3 (UNC/Louisville) in the East. I'm always happy to see the brand names duking it out but bracket madness is nothing without one long-shot (nine points according to Vegas) shocking the world. Go Wildcats.

Today's Sports Nuts design...

<

Circus City

I just want to say in this public forum that, should the unthinkable happen and the Mets actually sign Barry Bonds, I plead "not guilty by reason of insanity" in advance of the 12-state shooting spree I'm likely to conduct as a result. (Don't worry, it will just be a Red Ryder BB gun and the only damage I'm likely to do is to put my eye out.) I'm sorry, but a statement has to be made.

With left-fielder Moises Alou, the Human Ace Bandage, injured yet again to start the season, rumors continue to fly that the Mets might still replace him with the the Juice Master 762, which seems about as logical a move as bringing Dustin Diamond back for another season of Celebrity Fit Club. Not for the reasons you might think. Yes, he's a cheater. Yes, he's in big legal trouble. Yes, he ranks between bin Laden and Hitler for Most Reviled Character in History. And those are all valid reasons.

But my main reason for banning Bonds from Shea is that, regardless of how the season ends, Bonds will be given credit for it.

If the Mets sign Bonds and get a ring because he produces, it will be all because of Bonds. I don't care if Santana wins the Cy Young again, if Wright hits .310/35/120, and Reyes steals 90. The headlines will say, "Bonds Brings Mets First Title in 22 Years!"

If they sign him and don't get a ring, it will be all because of Bonds. From BP to the showers, the New York media will scrutinize with electron-microscope precision every conceivable negative influence he's inflicting on the Mets to bring them down.

To paraphrase Joe Pesci in "Raging Bull": "If you win, you lose. If you lose, you still lose." Bringing Bonds to New York is a lose-lose situation.

Mixed Nuts:

• I'm signing off now to watch Siena play Villanova. What a stunner watching the 13-seed Saints take down 4-seed Vandy; my favorite from Upset City this week. I confess to falling asleep in the first quarter of Nova vs. Clemson (after the Wildcats fell by 10 in like the first eight seconds). This one, I'm staying up for. (Good thing the game is at noon.)

That Ebbets Field Feeling

It was tough to see images and read about the last game to be played at Dodgertown in Vero Beach on Monday. During my 14 years as a South Florida resident, I'd seen my Mets play in St. Lucie, and the Yankees in Ft. Lauderdale, far more times than I'd seen the Dodgers in Vero. Yet (although I've since moved up north and haven't seen Tradition Field, the renovated Mets facility that opened in 2004) I always thought Dodgertown was much nicer than the other Grapefruit League facilities I'd been to. Dodgertown had the "home park," "fan friendly" feel that most training parks lack. It wasn't just a temporary facility where the pros could keep warm until it was time to head north; it really felt like a place that loved its Dodgers, who had been there since 1948.

Now that the Dodgers are moving to more proximate digs in Glendale, Arizona, the longtime Florida residents who recall the days of Jackie, the Duke, and Pee Wee must have that same Ebbets Field feeling they had when their beloved Bums packed their bags and headed west in 1958. The last vestige of the East Coast Dodgers is gone. You can almost feel the long-since rusted pins being thrust into Walter O'Malley dolls for the first time since 1957.


Mixed Nuts:

• Trying to decide which is worse: watching the Mets fold like an origami accordion last September, or watching the Houston Rockets win 22 consecutive games while my Knicks have yet to win 20 all season.

• Really Extreme Makeover: Speaking of folding, after the reigning NCAA champion Florida Gators went 3-8 in their last 11 games, and missed the party for the first time in ten years, coach Billy Donovan got a little mad. He not only barred the players from entering UF's $12 million practice facility, he also banned them from wearing any Florida attire.

New in Sports Nuts...

Surviving the Drought

Apologies for the long absence, sports fans. Sports Nuts News spent some time on the 30-day disabled list with a debilitating illness.

Sitting on the couch for a month during the Great Drought—that seemingly eternal period between the Super Bowl and Opening Day of MLB—isn't something I'd recommend for people in pain. You find yourself awake at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday and staring at the Venezuelan Women's X-treme Goat Milking Competition on The Deuce. (Looks like Lupe "The Tweaker" Valdez walks away with it this year.) Either that or yet another PGA invitational that should be renamed "Let's Just Give Tiger the Friggin' Trophy and Go Home Already." (Sorry, golf fans. I'm not big on golf; the athletic equivalent of checking the mail, in my opinion. But more on that in a future post.)

There's always NASCAR, but driving in a circle for six hours is only interesting to me when one of the cars has fewer than four tires touching the pavement. I tried to watch the Auto Club 500 from the California Speedway in Fontana on Feb. 24. The race started late because of rain and was delayed almost constantly due to the bad weather. There were so many flags, it looked like the U.N. had exploded. By lap 82 they'd already had seven cautions and they finally stopped the thing at 2 a.m. and postponed it to the next day. It was finally won by Carl Edwards, who, I think, wrote "Blue Suede Shoes."

Well I'm back on my feet and getting ready for March Madness and Championship Week. On the local front, it was good to see Albany's Siena Saints clinch a berth; winning the Metro this week by riding Rider 74-53. Looking forward to Orange vs. Nova this afternoon. But the most fun I've had is watching UNC-Asheville's 7-foot-7, 360-pound center, Kenny George, the country's tallest player. George has an inch and 50 pounds on Yao, half a foot and 35 pounds on Shaq, and, although he's the same height as Manute Bol was when he entered the NBA, George is nearly 130 pounds heavier than the Sudanese Skyscraper. Watching his opponents shooting futilely over his massive bulk was like watching preschoolers trying to fling rocks over a redwood tree. The Bulldogs didn't make the party this year but it may be worth catching the NIT just to see George slam without leaving the ground, and stand in the paint swatting away layups like so many gnats.

The latest Sports Nuts design...

Ya Doesn't Have to Call Me Ray

Okay, this happened like three months ago but I couldn't let it pass. I just discovered that the American League's Tampa Bay Devil Rays have officially changed their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. (Charles? Liotta? Romano?)

And they didn't just drop the modifying "devil," so as to affiliate themselves less specifically with the broader range of plankton-sucking mantas gliding so effortlessly beneath the seas. No, the team now wants to be known as "rays" of sunshine. I'm not kidding. The team's owner said, "We are now the ‘Rays’—a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida." They've changed their logo, the team colors (navy and light blue, to represent the dark blue water and clear blue skies), and the team mascot. I don't know what the mascot is but I imagine Kirstie Alley in a Sponge Bob Halloween costume.

I just wish they had consulted Sports Nuts News first. I have some better suggestions:

1. The Tampa Bay Humidity
2. The Tampa Bay Melanoma
3. The Tampa Bay Sidewalk Omelets
4. The Tampa Bay Storm Surge
5. The Tampa Pons

Anyway, I haven't heard any beacons of shining news about increasing the team's payroll, which stands at about $24 million, roughly the amount A-Rod makes by Memorial Day. But perhaps this brilliant new look will infuse the spiffy new Rays with the ability to reach their first third-place divisional finish in team history.

In other breaking news, the Toronto Blue Jays have decided to drop the depressive connotations of "blue" and call themselves only The Jays. National anthems will only be sung by the O'Jays, Jay and the Americans, or Jay Z. New mascot? Its name is Leno.

Today's Sports Nuts design...

Roger and Andy Go to Washington

So Roidger Clemens and his jilted lover Brian McNamee are taking the mound at Capitol Hill today to tell their vastly different stories to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform and a couple dozen other elected representatives and government lawyers. (Hey, it's not like the government has anything better to do; like fight a war in Iraq, stop a steamrolling recession, or figure out how to get the glaciers to stop melting.)

According to AP, Clemens is scheduled to meet with more than a dozen congressmen and senators in advance of next week's public hearing, at which he, McNamee, and Andy Petite are schedule to testify. And McNamee brought some swag with him: gauze pads and syringes that he says he used to inject Rocket's rear with steroids and HGH. Exactly what kind of person keeps blood-stained gauze pads under his pillow for six years? "You will let me know when those lambs stop screaming, won't you Clarice?"

Since none of Clemens' denials have yet to be made under oath, he still has time to change his story. And since pal Andy will also be testifying under oath, Sports Nuts News is giving 3-1 odds that Roger takes the fifth—amendment, not inning.

Perfect Shmerfect... Fermo de tutti Fermi

You wanna talk NFL catches? Okay, let's talk NFL catches. Forget Dwight Clark's "The Catch" in the '81 NFC championship. Forget Lynn Swann in SB X. Forget even the Giants/Niners replacement game during the '87 strike (where "Giants" wide receiver Lewis Bennett reached behind the defender, tipped the ball over him, and grabbed it for a touchdown).

Forget them all. There has never been a catch to equal David Tyree's last night in SB 42. That catch was the Ringling Bros. center ring of circus catches. A blindfolded guy on a high wire juggling Volkswagons.

Recap for the six Tibetan monks who were meditating on a Himalayan mountaintop when their cable when out...

A minute and small change left, Giants on New England's 44, third and five. Nanoseconds from being sacked, Eli Manning—his jersey still stretched by the beefy clutches of the Patriot defense—somehow squirts through the sausage grinder and chucks a benediction down field. Well-covered and airborne... actually INVERTED and airborne... Tyree leaps and grabs Manning's 32-yarder by PINNING THE BALL TO HIS HELMET. He literally holds it against his blue-clad skull while falling backwards and then landing on top of defender Rodney Harrison. There isn't a single person who saw it—Giants fan, Patriots fan, or the people just watching for the commercials—who expected that ball to stay in Tyree's hands, or should I say, on his head. It HAD to be an incompletion. It HAD to pop out of his hands. It HAD to be fourth down and a long-shot field goal attempt. There's no way he could... But he did. Three plays later Manning lofts a gimme into the corner and the GEEEEEEEE-MEN go up 17-14, thanks to a schoolyard head fake by Plaxico Burress on a routine out route.

Suddenly, it's Rocky IV and the invincible Drago is cut. Tony Burton is screaming at Rocky, "You see? You see? He's NOT a machine, he's a man, he's a man!" All game long the Big Blue Wrecking Crew treated Tom Brady like he was an over-stuffed six-foot-four pinata, squashing the heart of the greatest offense of all time. And yet, it still looked like the Giants offense wouldn't be able to get it done. Until the catch that kept the drive alive, and ended the Patriots' dream season in the most nerve-shredding, nail-chomping, cardiac-arresting Super Bowl ever.

As predicted by Sports Nuts News on Jan. 24, the Giants stun the world. And best of all, Tiki the Traitor can sit on the couch during the Today Show in his Armani suit, discussing the 2008 Vera Wang bridal collection with Anne Curry, but there won't be any Super Bowl ring on his treacherous finger. Those are reserved for the guys who sucked it up, stuck it out, kept their mouths shut, and played like champions.

Today's congratulatory Sports Nuts design...

Yahoo Johan!

My Mets have done it... signed the greatest pitcher of the new century without giving up any key players or even their best farm prospect. Yeah, it's a $137.5 million, six-year contract, the biggest in baseball history for a pitcher, but who cares? The Mets have the cash and it could not be a more worthwhile purchase; Santana is in his pure prime, is healthy (passed his physical today), and knows how to handle big-city pressure. He's also not going to have to face the DHs of the American League, which has to boost his numbers and his shot at a third Cy Young. Thanks Tommy Glavine, for high-tailing your ancient traitorous butt back to Dixie where it belongs. Finally the Mets have a true ace they can build around. After last year's traumatic collapse, we needed this.

Prediction: 2008 Santana gets the Mets' their first no hitter.

In celebration of the coming baseball season, today's Sports Nuts design...

Forehand Schwing

When exactly did women's tennis become a supermodel competition? Back in the day, you had Chris Evert, who was attractive but in a next-door-neighbor-tomboyish-girl kind of way, against Martina Navratilova, who was not attractive in a men-shouldn't-wear-short-skirts kind of way. But at least when they played, it was about the game.

Then Anna Kournikova came along and now women's tennis looks more like a photo shoot for America's Top Model. Last weekend Maria Sharapova defeated Ana Ivanovich to win the... uh... I don't know, The Miss January Open or something. Man. They did NOT look like that when I was young.

Here's a Sports Nuts tennis design for the guys.

Stop! Thief!

Just FYI, the current issue of Sports Illustrated, dated January 28, features Eli Manning on the cover with the headline "Eli's The Manning".

Uh... HELLO! The Sports Nuts News entry for Jan. 15 was titled "Who's the Manning?" I don't mind the world's premiere sports publication ripping off my stuff but, hey, how about a little credit? Sheesh.

Here's the cover...



















By the way... Sports Nuts News picks The Giants to stun the world by beating the Patriots 24-17. You read it here first.

Sad Commentaries

Okay, how many more people are going to get into trouble because of a bad joke?

On January 4, Golf Channel commentator Kelly Tilghman made an unintentionally—but still offensive—racist comment about Tiger Woods's fellow golfers "lynching" him in order to overcome his talents in the Mercedes-Benz Challenge. It was a stupid remark that angered a lot of people, including the Rev. Al Sharpton, who called for Tilghman's job. The Golf Channel instead issued an apology and suspended Tilghman for two weeks.

Case closed, right? Not so fast.

In "covering" the flap, Golfweek magazine decided it would be a good idea to put a picture of a noose on the cover of its Jan. 19 issue. Yes, a noose.

Wow.

Tilghman can be forgiven for making an ill-advised, off-the-cuff ad lib during a live commentary. But the editor of Golfweek had to sit down and actually THINK that putting a noose—a symbol of execution, oppression, and terror—on the cover of a sports magazine would be a good idea. For that sad decision the publication's editor and vice president Dave Seanor was fired following overwhelming and almost immediate outrage from subscribers.

Can't wait to see what comes next; perhaps a Sports Illustrated cover of some hooded Klansmen setting fire to a hole flag on the 15th green at Augusta?

For a slightly less controversial golf tribute, check out today's Sports Nuts design.

Who's the Manning?

Okay, I officially rescind my previous post about Eli Manning. If you had told me last week that Eli would be playing in the conference championship that Peyton would be watching on TV, I might have had to hit you with something heavy and sharp. But Eli is finally starting to show some confidence; finally starting to get his play-makers to make plays, and finally starting to mature in his leadership role.

How will this bode on the frozen tundra Sunday night? Brett has the resume and the homefield but Eli's got nothing to lose but his toes. Stay tuned.

Check out today's Sports Nuts design.

Eli's coming... or is he?

Is there anyone else as baffled by the enigma that is Eli Manning? Through the 06 and 07 seasons I've been waiting... and waiting—like some guy without a raincoat standing in a driving downpour waiting for a crosstown bus; and just when a bus pulls up, it turns out to be the wrong one. One minute, Eli shows flashes of competence (no, not brilliance, just competence) and effective leadership. The next minute, he's thrown the ball 10 feet off the mark and is walking to the sidelines with that freshly kicked puppy look.

Fortunately for Giants fans, the right Eli showed up against Tampa Bay last Sunday. But will he show against Dallas next week?

Check out today's Sports Nuts design.

Where is Donald Trump when you need him?

"I believe one day we will win a championship here, and I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that, and I believe I will be a part of that."

No, those aren't the words of new Dodgers manager Joe Torre or Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak, who guided his team to a respectable .500 record this year for the first time in team history.

No. Those are the words of... excuse me, I can't believe I'm typing this... those are the words of ISIAH THOMAS! The head coach of the NBA's New York Nots—who have lost their last five games, and 11 of their last 13, and 22 of the 30 they've played this season—actually believes he can lead this "team" to an NBA title. Apparently, he hasn't heard the chorus of fans filling the Garden with the not-so-dulcet strains of "Fire Isiah Now!" Apparently he hasn't noticed that ESPN has named him the top choice for the coach most likely to be fired... and soon. Apparently he hasn't noticed Nike's newly released Isiah Thomas model: Air Head.

So let's add Sports Nuts News to the cacophonous din of fans asking, imploring, pleading Isiah to please, PLEASE, consider the many benefits of owning your own Amway distributorship.

Enjoy today's Sports Nuts design, available at www.cafepress.com/sportsnuts.

Open Season on Bicuspids

The tinkle of teeth bouncing off the ice, the wet thud of frozen pucks caroming off the skulls of crazed spectators, the sickening crackle of fractured clavicles...

As football season comes to close, hockey starts to have slightly more appeal. Kind of like going to the movies and finding that the movie you wanted to see is sold out. "Ah, whatever. Gimme two tickets for that slasher flick."

In honor of the NHL, check out today's Sports Nuts design.